 |
|||||||
|
 |
|||||||
|
My Testimony to God’s Grace Within a few months, another child was on the way. I read books and did everything I could to promote a healthy pregnancy. I coordinate the children’s music ministry at my church. Every year at Christmas we have an evening of children’s music. The night of that program, I was not feeling well and I discovered five minutes before the program started that I was bleeding. Everyone was in their place so I pulled myself together and did the program. I slipped out during the Pastor’s closing prayer and cried all of the way home. My husband called the doctor but the next morning it was evident on the sonogram that this baby would not be born. I remember before I had surgery to remove the baby, the doctor came to talk with me and asked if I had any questions. I remember thinking, “Yeah, I have questions – but not for you! Why is God letting this happen to me?” It was a sad Christmas for me. Both of my sister-in-laws had a baby that year and it was hard to be around them. In the summer of 1991 the doctor sat us down and gave us some choices. He couldn’t say for sure why I had lost the two babies but he offered us an opportunity to take a drug that might help sustain a pregnancy. He went over the pamphlets describing the medicine and sent us home to read about it and decide. The list of possible side effects was disturbing. We prayed about it and I had a real peace when we decided we would try again without the medicine. I became pregnant in the fall of 1991 and I knew this was the child I would keep! I had prayed about it everyday and I had told the Lord that I could not face another Christmas without a pregnancy or a child. I knew God had answered my prayers and I knew this child would make it. I was totally unprepared when I lost that child two weeks before Christmas. Worse yet, after testing the fetus, it was determined that the medicine the doctor had offered would have sustained the pregnancy. I felt that I had sincerely prayed for wisdom and I had done what the Lord wanted me to do. I was so angry! I had walked too far with the Lord to ask “Is there a God?” but I found myself haunted by the question, “What kind of God is He?” Had He tricked me or was I too stupid to understand what He was saying to me?
In February of 1992, I discovered a lump
on my back. The doctor thought it was just a fatty tumor and
recommended that we watch it for a year. I didn’t feel good about
that because I had lost my father to a brain tumor in 1989 and I
didn’t want a tumor of any type growing in me. I went to have it
removed but when the doctor opened me up and saw it was cancer, he
closed the incision without disturbing the tumor and sent me to an
oncologist. The tumor was removed in March along with some
surrounding tissue. I had to have more skin removed after the report
revealed that there was cancer in the surrounding tissue. I didn’t
care what had to be done. I just wanted to be able to try for
another baby as soon as possible. After three surgeries, I was ready
to try again.
I had another failed pregnancy after my
daughter was born. In 1996, I had a son. I can’t tell you why I went
through this or why we chose not to take the medicine we needed.
Maybe the cancer that was growing in me would have been a problem to
that child. I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever know in this
life. When I get to heaven I will ask. Maybe by then, it won’t
matter. Every year I hang a crystal ornament on our Christmas tree.
One for each child lost. It’s my own private memorial. If you have
experienced a miscarriage and feel there is no place for you to put
your grief, I recommend you get something to place in your home
which will represent that precious baby to you. I offer this prayer
to you, if you are hurting for a child. I wish you peace and hope. I
pray you will one day know the joy of holding your own child. |
|
||||||
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|